如何成为一个更好的交谈者,在互定终身前

亚洲必赢官网app( 1

如何成为一个更好的交谈者,在互定终身前

亚洲必赢官网app( 1

All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive
about politics or religion, childcare, food?

All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive
about politics or religion, childcare,food? And how many of you know at
least one person that you avoid because you just don’t want to talk to
them?

那篇TED相当的厉害!有众多种经营典的句子。

1. Firstly, ask them what they’re looking for.

(Laughter)

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we
just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick
to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and
anti-vaxxing, those subjects – are not safe either. So this world that
we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to
devolve into an argument,where our politicians can’t speak to one
another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting
both passionately for it and against it, it’s not normal. Pew Research
did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this
moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided,than we ever have
been in history. We’re less likely to compromise, which means we’re not
listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live,who
to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we
already believe. Again, that means we’re not listening to each other. A
conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and
somewhere along the way,we lost that balance.

0:11

澄清对方为何采取你

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you
just don’t want to talk to them?

Now, part of that issue to technology. The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them
really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American
teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost
most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to
talk to them face to face. There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It
was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave
his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this:”I came to
realize…” “I came to realize that conversational competence might be
the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each
day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do
they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications
skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask
ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being
able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?”

All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive
about politics or religion, childcare, food?

“You don’t need to ask if they want to go out with you straight away,”
said Claire Stott, a data analyst at dating app Badoo. “But you can say
‘Are you in the market for looking for something?’ or ‘What are you
looking for?’ And this gives you an indicator of whether they’re looking
for something a bit more than something lighthearted.”

(Laughter)

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck
drivers, billionaires,kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I
talk to people that I like.I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to
some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still
have a great conversation with them. So I’d like to spend the next 10
minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

0:22

约会应用Badoo的数码分析师Clare·Stowe特说:“你绝不直接问对方为啥想和您在一起,但你能够用这种方式发问:你为何来亲近?你想找个如何的配偶?通过这种主题材料,你就可以知晓对方是还是不是只是随意玩玩。

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we
just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick
to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and
anti-vaxxing, those subjects —

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look
the person in the eye,think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,
look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention, repeat back
what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of
that. It is crap.There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying
attention if you are in fact paying attention.Now, I actually use the
exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular
life.So, I’m going to teach you how to interview people, and that’s
actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.
Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting
bored, and, please God,without offending anybody.We’ve all had really
great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know what it’s like. The
kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
or where you feel like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been
perfectly understood.There is no reason why most of your interactions
can’t be like that.So I have 10 basic rules. I’m going to walk you
through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and
master it, you’ll already enjoy better conversations.
Number one: Don’t multitask.
And I don’t mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your
car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that
moment. Don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t
think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out
of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don’t be half in
it and half out of it.
Number two: Don’t pontificate.
If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. Now, there’s a really
good reason why I don’t allow pundits on my show: Because they’re really
boring. If they’re conservative, they’re going to hate Obama and
foodstamps and abortion. If they’re liberal, they’re going to hate big
banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you
don’t want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott
Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And
sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that
sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less
vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his
or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to
learn.Bill Nye:”Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you
don’t.” I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
Number three: Use open-ended questions
In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with
who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated
question, you’re going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, “Were
you terrified?” you’re going to respond to the most powerful word in
that sentence, which is “terrified,” and the answer is “Yes, I was” or
“No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I was very angry.” Let them
describe it. They’re the ones that know. Try asking them things like,
“What was that like?” “How did that feel?” Because then they might have
to stop for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get a much
more interesting response.
Number four: Go with the flow.
That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go
out of your mind. We’ve heard interviews often in which a guest is
talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks
aquestion which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it’s already been
answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago
because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound
and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We’re
sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember
that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.And we stop
listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let
them come and let them go.
**Number five: If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. **
如何成为一个更好的交谈者,在互定终身前。Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that
they’re going on the record,and so they’re more careful about what they
claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that.
Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.
Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs.
If they’re talking about having lost a family member, don’t start
talking about the time you lost a family member. If they’re talking
about the trouble they’re having at work,don’t tell them about how much
you hate your job. It’s not the same. It is never the same. All
experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you.
You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how
much you’ve suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ
was,and he said, “I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are
losers.”Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.
It’s condescending, and it’s really boring, and we tend to do it a lot.
Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we
have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don’t
do that.
**Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. **
Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names,the dates, all
those details that you’re struggling to come up with in your mind. They
don’t care. What they care about is you. They care about what you’re
like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important
one. Listen.

I can not tell you how many really important people have said that
listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that
you could develop. Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your mouth is
open, you’re not learning.” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man ever
listened his way out of a job.”Why do we not listen to each other?
Number one, we’d rather talk. When I’m talking, I’m in control.I don’t
have to hear anything I’m not interested in. I’m the center of
attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there’s another reason: We
get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,
but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are
filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and
energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that,
you’re not in a conversation. You’re just two people shouting out barely
related sentences in the same place.You have to listen to one another.
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, “Most of us don’t
listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to
reply.”
**One more rule,number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief. **

(Laughter)

They might be honest and tell you they’re not looking for anything
serious — and that’s fine. But they might also say they are willing to
settle for the right person, which gives you the indication you’re not
wasting your time. It’s rather that than finding out later on that you
were one of seven other people they were hanging out with.

(Laughter)

A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain
interest, but long enough to cover the subject. — My Sister

0:24

她们唯恐坦诚相告,说自身不是在找成婚对象,这也没事。然则她们也许会说,即使蒙受对的人他们也甘愿安定下来,暗暗表示你未有在浪费时间。今后就问清楚,总比后来才发掘对方同一时间在跟好几人约会要好。

are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which
every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where
our politicians can’t speak to one another and where even the most
trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and
against it, it’s not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American
adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we
are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We’re less likely
to compromise, which means we’re not listening to each other. And we
make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our
friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that
means we’re not listening to each other. A conversation requires a
balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we
lost that balance.

All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be
interested in other people.You know, I grew up with a very famous
grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.People would come
over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave,my mother
would come over to us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was?She was
the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a
Pulitzer Prize. He’s a Russian ballet dancer.” And I kind of grew up
assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And
honestly, I think it’s what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared
to be amazed, and I’m never disappointed.You do the same thing. Go out,
talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to
be amazed. Thanks.

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you
just don’t want to talk to them?

2. Are they content with life?

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them
really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American
teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost
most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to
talk to them face to face. There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It
was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave
his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: “I came to
realize…”

0:29

他俩对明日的生活认为满足呢?

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

It sounds quite deep for the start of a relationship, when everything is
supposed to be fun and carefree. But Stott said it’s a good idea to find
out if someone is happy with where they are in their life.

“I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day
engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they
have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is
there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?”

0:31

刚初叶中一年级段爱恋之情就问这种主题材料就像是太深沉了,爱情最初的阶段应该是欢快有意思、无忧无虑的。可是Stowe特以为,最佳能(CANON)理解对方是或不是满足于前天的活着。

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck
drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.
I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk
to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I
still have a great conversation with them. So I’d like to spend the next
10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we
just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick
to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and
anti-vaxxing, those subjects —

“Because being fairly content is a sign you are at least mentally ready
to meet someone and have a relationship with another person,” she said.
“And a lot of that comes from, it sounds really cheesy, but loving
yourself before you can love someone else. And if you’re meeting someone
who’s really upset with their life… it can be a bit of a warning sign
they aren’t quite ready to open up their life to a relationship.”

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look
the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in
advance, look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention,
repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget
all of that. It is crap.

0:43

斯托特说:“对友好的活着满意表明您的精神状态适合结识别人、与外人开启一段爱恋之情。即使那话很俗,可是你要先爱本身,才干爱外人。若是你境遇的人对友好的生活感觉很不满,那注解她们还没希图好迎接另壹个人进去本身的活着。”

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

You don’t have to be quite so direct about it. You can ask questions
like “Are you happy in your job?” or “Do you feel at home in the city
you live in?”

There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention if you
are in fact paying attention.

0:45

您不要太直接。你能够问对方“你对友好的干活满足吗?”或然“你在这段日子居住的这一个城市有着落感吗?”

(Laughter)

are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which
every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where
our politicians can’t speak to one another and where even the most
trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and
against it, it’s not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American
adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we
are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We’re less likely
to compromise, which means we’re not listening to each other. And we
make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our
friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that
means we’re not listening to each other. A conversation requires a
balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we
lost that balance.

“You can ask these questions which signal whether that person is in a
good place and whether you think they might be ready for a
relationship,” Stott said.

(Applause)

1:34

Stowe特说:“通过那几个标题,你可以掌握这厮是不是状态牢固,也能够领会他们是或不是希图好谈一场恋爱。”

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer
that I do in regular life. So, I’m going to teach you how to interview
people, and that’s actually going to help you learn how to be better
conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your
time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them
really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American
teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost
most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to
talk to them face to face. There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It
was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave
his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: “I came to
realize…”

3. Do they have any major future plans?

We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know
what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling
engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real
connection or you’ve been perfectly understood. There is no reason why
most of your interactions can’t be like that.

2:07

她俩前途有怎么着策动?

So I have 10 basic rules. I’m going to walk you through all of them, but
honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you’ll already
enjoy better conversations.

(Laughter)

Nobody wants to be in the position of falling for someone, then learning
the plan to move half way across the world… indefinitely.

Number one: Don’t multitask. And I don’t mean just set down your cell
phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I
mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you
had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for
dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the
conversation, but don’t be half in it and half out of it.

2:11

何人也不想爱上壹个人事后才知道特别人安排搬到世界的另八只去,并且不精晓怎么样时候会回来。

Number two: Don’t pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without
any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a
blog.

“I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day
engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they
have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is
there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?”

Any major life-changing events, like moving to work abroad, or
travelling, will likely impact your relationship. So it’s handy to know
about someone’s plans early on.

(Laughter)

2:38

其它人生大事,比如出国专门的学问、旅游等都大概影响你们的激情关系。所以早早知道对方的准备相比较便利。

Now, there’s a really good reason why I don’t allow pundits on my show:
Because they’re really boring. If they’re conservative, they’re going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they’re liberal, they’re
going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally
predictable. And you don’t want to be like that. You need to enter every
conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed
therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting
aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal
opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner
recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have
something to learn.

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck
drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.
I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I
talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But
I still have a great conversation with them.
So I’d like to spend the
next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

4. What is their average Sunday like?

Bill Nye: “Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t.”
I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

3:03

对方相似是怎么过周六的?

Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from
journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or
how. If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple
answer out. If I ask you, “Were you terrified?” you’re going to respond
to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is “terrified,” and
the answer is “Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I
was very angry.” Let them describe it. They’re the ones that know. Try
asking them things like, “What was that like?” “How did that feel?”
Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,
and you’re going to get a much more interesting response.

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look
the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in
advance, look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention,
repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget
all of that. It is crap.

The way you spend your Sundays can be quite telling. Some people waste
away the hours nursing a hangover, whereas others are more “get up and
go” types.

Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your
mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We’ve heard
interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and
then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it
comes out of nowhere, or it’s already been answered. That means the host
probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this
really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say
that. And we do the exact same thing. We’re sitting there having a
conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met
Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

3:23

走过礼拜天的艺术很能证实难题。某个人在周天长睡不醒,而略带人则喜欢出去玩。

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

“It sounds quite random but you can really get an idea of the person
they are,” said Stott, who recommends asking this question early on.
“Quite often it’s that proactive versus hungover personality.”

And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You
need to let them come and let them go.

3:26

Stowe特说:“那个主题素材看似相当的轻松,但你却能驾驭对方是个如何的人。”她建议早点问这几个难点。“常常还是是积极主动型,要么是懒散型。”

Number five: If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. Now, people on
the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they’re going on
the record, and so they’re more careful about what they claim to be an
expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side
of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention if you
are in fact paying attention.

5. How do they handle stressful situations?

Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking
about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time
you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re
having at work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job. It’s
not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And,
more importantly, it is not about you. You don’t need to take that
moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered.
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, “I
have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers.”

3:34

对方怎么作答风险情形?

亚洲必赢官网app( ,(Laughter)

(Laughter)

“The way someone deals with things that go wrong in their life can be a
real indicator of how compatible you might be with them,” Stott said.
“And there isn’t a right or wrong way they might be.”

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

3:35

Stowe特说:“从一个人管理危害事件的办法得以看到你和此人能或无法协和相处。而应对风险的主意没有好坏之分。”

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It’s condescending, and it’s
really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work
conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to
make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don’t do that.

(Applause)

For instance, some people retreat into themselves and need coaxing out
by someone who is more in touch with their feelings. If two emotional
hermits start dating, it might not be a totally healthy relationship
that blossoms.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don’t care about
the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re
struggling to come up with in your mind. They don’t care. What they care
about is you. They care about what you’re like, what you have in common.
So forget the details. Leave them out.

3:38

比方,某人会将本人密封起来,唯有亲近的人本事让他们开发心灵。假使刚初始谈恋爱的四人都以这种“情绪隐士”,那么这段恋爱之情恐怕不会顺遂发展下去。

Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.
Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said
that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill
that you could develop. Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your
mouth is open, you’re not learning.” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man
ever listened his way out of a job.”

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer
that I do in regular life. So, I’m going to teach you how to interview
people, and that’s actually going to help you learn how to be better
conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your
time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

If you go through something stressful, see how the other person reacts.
It doesn’t have to be anything big, but it can be a good gauge for how
much help they will be during the tougher things life throws at you. If
they are dismissive or don’t seem to care about your troubles, it could
be a sign they’re afraid of intimacy, or can’t communicate very well.

(Laughter)

3:59

借使您面前遭逢了部分难事,你能够观测对方的影响。尽管不是怎么大事,你也足以观望在相当受更不方便的专门的学业时对方能帮上多少忙。纵然她们不理会或不关切你的难为,那或然代表她们心有余悸亲切,也许不能够很好地联系。

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we’d rather talk. When
I’m talking, I’m in control. I don’t have to hear anything I’m not
interested in. I’m the center of attention. I can bolster my own
identity. But there’s another reason: We get distracted. The average
person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention
to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation.
You’re just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same
place.

We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know
what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling
engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real
connection or you’ve been perfectly understood.
There is no reason why
most of your interactions can’t be like that.

6. Do they have the same values as you?

(Laughter)

4:17

对方的历史观是不是和您相似?

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very
beautifully. He said, “Most of us don’t listen with the intent to
understand. We listen with the intent to reply.”

So I have 10 basic rules. I’m going to walk you through all of them, but
honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you’ll already
enjoy better conversations.

People all have their certain deal breakers. For example, some will not
tolerate drug use. Others are intent on not having children. Although
it’s hard to get into the big topics at the start of the relationship,
you should find out if they have any values that are the total opposite
of your own.

One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief.

4:26

每一种人都有温馨的部分标准化。举例部分人不可能容忍吸毒,而某一个人下定决心不要孩子。尽管在谈恋爱之初中一年级般不构和论这种根本话题,但您要么应当弄通晓对方是还是不是有和你完全相反的守旧。

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain
interest, but long enough to cover the subject. — My Sister]

Number one: Don’t multitask. And I don’t mean just set down your cell
phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I
mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you
had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for
dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the
conversation, but don’t be half in it and half out of it.

“There’s no use screwing yourself over in the long run basically,” said
Stott. “People don’t broach it in the right way, [or] they think maybe
I’ll change, and they don’t. Then it just becomes an issue later. There
are some certain deal breakers that should be brought up early.”

(Laughter)

4:49

斯托特说:“从遥远来看,棍骗自个儿是没用的。对方不会在一同首就坦白交代,他们想着有一天本人只怕会转移,但她们不会改,拖到后来就成了难点。有一对恒定问题应当早日提议来。”

(Applause) All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is
this one: Be interested in other people.

Number two: Don’t pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without
any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a
blog.

7. What are their friends and family like?

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind
of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my
grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to
us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to
Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He’s a Russian ballet dancer.” And I kind of grew up assuming everyone
has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it’s
what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly
can, I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I’m
never disappointed.

5:01

对方的仇人和家眷是什么样子的?

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and,
most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

(Laughter)

People aren’t always a mirror image of their friends and family, but in
general, you can tell a lot about a person from who they choose to hang
out with, and where they came from.

Thanks.

5:04

大家不会都和和气的眷属朋友三个样,但总体来讲,你能够因此对方接触的人和家庭出身明白到比相当多。

Now, there’s a really good reason why I don’t allow pundits on my show:
Because they’re really boring. If they’re conservative, they’re going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they’re liberal, they’re
going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally
predictable. And you don’t want to be like that. You need to enter every
conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed
therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting
aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal
opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner
recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have
something to learn.

“If you meet someone’s friends and you think they’re the worst people
you’ve ever met, it might be a bit of a red flag of what you’re missing
of the person,” Stott said. “Is there a side to them I haven’t quite
seen yet?”

5:51

Stowe特说:“假诺你见了对方的对象后,认为她们是您所见过的最不佳的人,那是个危险时域信号,表明你可能看走了眼。只怕对方有不为你所知的另四只?”

Bill Nye: “Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t.”
I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

The same goes for them meeting your friends. While you’re wearing the
rose-tinted glasses during the honeymoon period, it can be tempting to
dismiss things that would bother you further down the line. Your friends
won’t be so easily fooled.

6:02

让对方见你的相恋的人也能享有发掘。正处在恋爱甜蜜期的您戴着玫瑰色老花镜,很轻松忽视对方身上那个以往会让您烦恼的毛病。但您的朋友可没那么好糊弄。

Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from
journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or
how. If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple
answer out. If I ask you, “Were you terrified?” you’re going to respond
to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is “terrified,” and
the answer is “Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I
was very angry.” Let them describe it. They’re the ones that know. Try
asking them things like, “What was that like?” “How did that feel?”
Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,
and you’re going to get a much more interesting response.

6:39

Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your
mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We’ve heard
interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and
then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it
comes out of nowhere, or it’s already been answered. That means the host
probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this
really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say
that. And we do the exact same thing. We’re sitting there having a
conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met
Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

7:16

(Laughter)

7:17

And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You
need to let them come and let them go.

7:25

Number five: If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. Now, people on
the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they’re going on
the record, and so they’re more careful about what they claim to be an
expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side
of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

7:45

Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking
about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time
you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re
having at work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job. It’s
not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual.
And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don’t need to take
that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered.

Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, “I
have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers.”

8:20

(Laughter)

8:22

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

8:27

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It’s condescending, and it’s
really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work
conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to
make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don’t do that.

8:45

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don’t care about
the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re
struggling to come up with in your mind. They don’t care. What they care
about is you. They care about what you’re like, what you have in common.
So forget the details. Leave them out.

9:07

Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.
Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said
that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill
that you could develop. Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your
mouth is open, you’re not learning.
” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man
ever listened his way out of a job.”

9:31

(Laughter)

9:33

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we’d rather talk. When
I’m talking, I’m in control. I don’t have to hear anything I’m not
interested in. I’m the center of attention. I can bolster my own
identity
. But there’s another reason: We get distracted. The average
person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention
to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation.
You’re just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same
place.

10:13

(Laughter)

10:15

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very
beautifully. He said, “Most of us don’t listen with the intent to
understand. We listen with the intent to reply.”

10:27

One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief.

10:31

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain
interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
— My Sister]

10:37

(Laughter)

10:39

(Applause) All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is
this one: Be interested in other people.

10:49

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind
of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my
grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to
us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to
Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He’s a Russian ballet dancer.” And I kind of grew up assuming everyone
has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it’s
what makes me a better host. 

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I’m never disappointed.

11:27

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and,
most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

11:37

Thanks.

11:38

(Applause)

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